when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
