You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
