I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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