dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
