I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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