Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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