you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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