I just pynch a tree in the face
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize