she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
