I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
