I didn't shave. On purpose
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
