Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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