where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
