they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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