I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
