I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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