I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
