it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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