i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
