I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
