It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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