I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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