this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
