Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize