He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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