If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize