I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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