my mouth tastes like poor choices
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
