I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
