whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
