I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We left the knife in your bed.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
