i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
