Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize