somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize