no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
