He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
