i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
