I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
