Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
