Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
