Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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