So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize