i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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