You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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