turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
