im drinking this country out of the recession.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Randomize
