I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
