I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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