I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
