you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize