where am i from again
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
