When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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