I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
