You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
