this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
