I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
