just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize