Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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