i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
