Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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