it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
