I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
